If there are words for Him...

If there are words for Him, then I don't have them.

God, the poet of the universe, who made the autumn to show that there is beauty in letting go of dead things and being naked, bearing our souls before Him like the trees He made, so similar to us, who bend but don't break under the weight of His breath, His wind that blow the dry leaves across the ground.

If there are words for Him, then I don't have them.

God, the creator of pine needles and B-minor, who has never allowed a river to stop flowing because He has to prove to a broken twenty year old girl that the rivers of living water are still an option for her, whose words move the wind and waves to depict His rushing heartbeat when we draw near to Him.

If there are words for Him, then I don't have them.

Jesus, who felt the weight of His soul and heart being crushed under tons of weight and feeling electric shocked like iron against iron to the point of grieving death 1800 years before trains were invented to take me by the hand and scream, "I beat depression for you in that lonely garden where that pain made me love you more and more, where I conquered the problem you think you have to fight. Now beautiful flowers grow in that same spot where I sweat blood...that tree near me where I was praying in Gethsemane would whisper your name if it could, my child, but it can't, so just trust me... I did this for you."

If there are words for Him, then I don't have them. 

You Don't Know My Life

I have my moments. Everyone does. My 'moments' are usually when someone is telling me about one of my (known) characteristics that I, too, dislike. Then I defend myself by letting them know why I am the way I am and that it was most definitely someone else's fault, and then I close it off with the lovely, ever so common, "You don't know me, and you don't know my life." The world never really knows us, do they? When we're hurt and we say spit daggers at someone out of our pain, that's not who we are, it's just something we've done... 

But they don't know that. 

We're so quick to defend ourselves like crazy to defend something that is probably true to defend our name for 70-100 years until we die and no one remembers us, but we don't care. We are so desperate to make sure people know the real us.

Let me talk to you about someone named Jesus. This man knew who He was so much and so securely that He spent a ridiculously small amount of time defending Himself, as we often do. He used that time, rather, to help other people be the best version of themselves. 

Maybe we can learn something from Him. Maybe.

Here's the kicker: He was born 2,000 or so years ago, yes. But people have been talking about Him since way before He was born. Like the time of the prophets. Like the time of David.

Still, He knows who He is. 

Do we?

Before I became a Christian about 3 years ago, I knew Jesus... I think. Well I heard something once and then I remembered that He flipped tables in the temple so He must have been hella reckless, and then He gave the guy on the cross another chance, so He must have not been so bad... but in reality, I didn't take time to get to know Him. 

I know that so many people have firm beliefs based on what other people say. I can't tell you have many times I've been to parties in the past that people have actually said to me, "You know, I didn't like you because like I heard you were a (not nice person) and I heard rumors that you (did a thing), but you're like so awesome you're literally my spirit animal I love you." 

I want to introduce you to the Jesus OF THE BIBLE, not the one that the world makes Him out to be, this Jesus-type guy who cares about your money and sexual orientation. He had bigger things to worry about, like, loving you way too much to not offer you freedom. 

• Jesus is a game changer.

For a long, long time, the people in Jesus' time had heard the law, "You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy."

And Jesus was like, no.

"But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who SPITEFULLY USE YOU and persecute you." Matthew 5:43-44.

• Jesus had a serious grip on the giving thing.

This isn't even about money. It's about love, freedom, forgiveness and grace.

Jesus is sending out His 12 disciples to do the same things that Jesus had done for them, find the lost, heal people, and love people. 

"Give as freely as you have received!" Matthew 10:8

This also says that He stopped at nothing to freely give things to His disciples.

• Jesus is not afraid to get down and dirty to make you look a little better.

In one of my favorite stories in the bible, Jesus is just literally hangin' out in the temple like it's no one's business and suddenly a group of big, strong, religious men of every age come, dragging this poor woman, naked, to the feet of Jesus. She was just caught in the act of adultery.

So they drag this chick to His feet to trick Him and to sum it up, they say, "Hey, Jesus, the law says that we have to throw stones at her until she dies because she was caught doing this heinous thing. What would you say?"

Jesus. Literally. Ignores. Them.

He gets down in the dirt and starts drawing in the sand, the bible says, "as though He did not hear." 

The bible never tells us what He writes. All I know is two things:
First, He got down in the dirt with this woman in the worst moment of her life.
Second, His response was all those religious men were after. So His drawing in the sand? He could have been playing hangman... But who cares. His goal was accomplished: to get the attention off of her and take the shame onto Himself.

The same reason He was nailed to that Cross naked.

• Jesus will always look at the possibility of your freedom with love and forgiveness.

Since Jesus started His ministry, the healing, the preaching, etc, He has talked about having to die. He knew the future, He knew it all.

So, of course, He knew that one of His disciples would be the one to turn Him in to the religious men. You all know the story. Judas. Yeah, that guy. Hung out with Jesus for 3 years.

But, unlike us, Jesus didn't treat Him differently.

Right before Jesus is about to die at the hands of a "friend's" betrayal, He does the most humbling thing a KING could have done. He washed His disciples' feet. I mean it's the Middle East, and they wore sandals and walked everywhere and there was dirt and dust and sand. We get it. But the lowest form of a slave was the one to wash feet.

And He washed e v e r y o n e ' s feet...

Including Judas's, knowing what he was going to leave that dinner party and do. 

And even just as Jesus is about to be betrayed, He looks at Judas and says, "Friend, why have you come?" He calls him friend.

Jesus was always looking ahead past the pain He was caused with love and forgiveness and I like to think, hope that one day they will turn away from those things and have freedom.

I mentioned before that we are so desperate to make sure people know the real us. Jesus wasn't in His time on earth. His only desperation lies in us knowing Him. And to do that, the real Him is what has chased us from the beginning. 

In reality, Jesus spared absolutely NOTHING in His search for us. Then He got desperate. He gave His life. Now He has that desperation for us to not be so entangled in religion and what religious leaders are doing in the name of Christianity. All He wants is us to know who He is, not who religions make Him out to be, not who the world says He is. But who He is.

And He is a man that gave up everything He had so you would have the option to be free.

No wonder they call Him savior. 

Who do you say that I am

You ask me
"Who do you say that I am?"
But I can only think of the ridiculous 
Paradox
That neither my cells nor my atoms,
That You created, can fathom.
A wildfire that sends chills up and down my spine.
A hurricane that keeps my feet grounded.
The sun's glory hidden behind the clouds,
Still managing to send warmth to my bones.
Clouds that rain down so much
Passion and desperation
That when it rains I wish it poured.
A love so loud
It can make a storm run out of breath.
A voice that roars like thunder
But can quiet my soul.
A touch so heavenly,
A valley of dead bones could go to war.
A love so deadly 
That it laid down its life.
A love that uses every combination of the alphabet
And still leaves me speechless.
A tornado that comes
Wild and abstract
And leaves me in one piece.
A house in flames that I want to build my home in.

I don't know who I say You are.

I just know that You are. 

What To Do Instead Of Feeling Sorry For Yourself

So... You've done it again. You know what I'm talking about... that sin you were supposed to be over, that thing you thought you could hide because you decided to stop doing it one day.

And who hasn't?

The worst feeling in the world could possibly be thinking you've kicked the habit and then falling again. You're not the only one. It just seems like you are because people are allergic to talking about present struggles. They only talk about things in hindsight (word to the wise: a testimony is just as strong in the present as it is when you refer to your past; there is something so powerful about learning something with someone, instead of just from them).

I personally believe, as a sinner and a 20-year-old brat who needs constant grace, that you are allowed 4 minutes to feel bad for yourself before you reality check yourself. Here are some things you can do instead of going over your 4 minute stretch (in a list of 7 because I'm trying to get over my fear of odd numbers):

1. Take all your guilt and throw it into the sea

You know exactly what sea I'm talking about... the same sea God throws your sin into. (Micah 7:19). Let me be extremely clear: if the only just and true one in the universe, the God of everything living, can throw your sin into the sea of forgetfulness, then your guilt literally has no place in your life, or in your heart. You are wasting valuable growth time. Yes, you messed up. And yes, you will mess up again. Don't waste your time with the part of the story that shouldn't be there. 

So stop. 

2. Get out of bed

Seriously, get up. Go to the gym, go to the ice cream parlor, or go to the park. Get out of the house and go somewhere. Staying in bed and crying like many do, and like I have done, sometimes feels like you're "getting it out of your system," but staying active, even just leaving the house, will not only lift your spirits but will physically make you feel better. 

No one likes apathy, including yourself. Don't be your own enemy. Get up.

3. Let all of your feedback be positive, even if you have to fake it 'till you make it.

"How is your day?" "Okay."

"How are you this morning?" "Fine."

"How's everything going?" "Can't complain."

Time to face it: You're not the only one having a bad day. But your positivity, even though you're not 100% on that train, will change someone's day... maybe even yours. At my job, I've earned a bunch of different nicknames. One of my favorites is Smiley, given to me by none other than a man who used to come in like a grumple-stiltskin every morning for his coffee. And yes, I've had awful morning and yes, I've had sinful nights that have led to guilty, I-don't-want-to-deal-with-anyone mornings. But the positivity that I've poured out -- more like squeezed out, talk about difficult -- has not only made him a happier person in the mornings...

But it has actually made me happy. 

You will always, always have something to complain about. But when you look at how just one blessing in your life weighs more than anything else, you will turn your day around and even change someone else's outlook. 

4. Eat a Snackpack.

I don't even know why you're reading this description. Why do you need an excuse to eat a Snackpack what's wrong with you?

5. Be realistic about your issue.

Sometimes you need to get help. Sometimes the help is within your own reach.

Sorry, someone had to say it. Not sorry it was me that got to.

You cannot expect to overcome and conquer with ignorance. If your struggle is drugs, there is more to resisting than just not thinking about drugs. If your struggle is something on the internet, there is no way, "I'm never doing this again, this is the last time," will be your overcoming golden ticket. If your struggle is, I don't know, something some deem small, like cursing, pretending those words don't exist will not benefit you.

The truth is, you live in the world. You may be just a pilgrim on a journey until you go Home, but for now, you're here. And when you get back into reality, the things that cause you temptation or trouble will still be there, and plenty more where that came from. We can't be ignorant. We must "cut off the hand that causes us to sin." God is the ultimate, #1 breaker of whatever the heck you're going through. But that in no way entitles us to be ignorant.

Delete your drug dealer out of your contacts.

Put a blocker on your internet. 

Get a swear jar (and then take a nice vacation). 

You are not God and you cannot heal yourself. But ignorance is never bliss.

Another part of being realistic is 'never say never.' We put too much pressure on ourselves by saying, "I'm never doing this again." Take it one day at a time.

"TODAY, I will not be a slave to this."
Tomorrow will take care of itself. (Matthew 6:34)

6. Stop TORTURING yourself.

I will go out on a limb and promise you the one thing in this world I am sure of:

God heard your apology, and has forgiven you. So stop torturing yourself and bask in the amazing gift of grace, which is undeserved, so no, I do not care if you feel that you don't deserve it. You don't. That doesn't stop God. 

A great friend of mine gave me this example: If God throws our sins into the sea of forgetfulness, showers us with grace, and continues to look upon us with favor even if we've messed up tremendously, but we've asked for forgiveness, He has forgiven. And He has forgotten. So if you wallow in your boo boo for a week straight, imagine God up there in Heaven like, "...What in the world does he keep saying sorry for?" 

7. Give. Give generously. 

Instead of feeling sorry for a temporary situation, one that God very well may have His finger on, go out and give.

Giving has always, always made me feel better. 

Side note -- I am an always-broke college student. I have a budget with the peanuts I have left at the end of the week, and I'm not able give my money to things. But I have so much more to give. I have time. I have energy. And I have a mouth.

Be generous with your time. Go have coffee with someone.

Be generous with your energy. Go volunteer somewhere.

Be generous with your mouth. Give someone some encouragement.

When you give, you will never end up poorer. 

Sowing and reaping, my friend.

If You Love Someone, Tell Them NOW.

If you love someone, tell them now.
If you love someone, tell them now.
If you LOVE someone, tell them NOW.

I am all for love and relationships and the first taste of the honeymoon phase where you can't sleep or eat and all you want to do is dance because you've realized you're in love. I am all for that kind of love, for those moments in life. But if you that's the kind of blog post you were hoping for, you need to press the back button now. I don't write for Disney.

I do believe that when you love someone, you should tell them you do, so as to encourage them and lift their spirits. However, it's much more complicated than that.

If you love someone, tell them now.
If you love someone, and there is something you need to tell them, tell them NOW.

There is a concept I have learned over and over many times in the past three years: Time waits for no man, nor does time take direction from man. All we have ever wanted as an imperfect species is the control over the one thing we could never quite master: time. We all want more time to spend with people, or time to go by faster so we can get to Friday, or for time to "do its job" and heal all wounds. 

As a Christian, the one thing that has sent me into spirals of worry is the concept of time. The bible is extremely clear that no one ever promised you a tomorrow. Time is borrowed and not promised. 

So while you're on borrowed time, and you love someone, tell them now. Whatever it is. Tell them you want them to get healthier because you're concerned. Tell them to please, for the love of God, pick up a book because they are click-click-clicking their lives away on the internet. Tell them to set a goal, and tell them to achieve it. If you love someone, tell them to get help, and tell them now.

There is a known saying that if we don't learn from history, we are doomed to repeat history. And there are some like myself who think we've outsmarted history until it repeats itself. I have sat through the funerals of the ones I love, having not told them what needed to be said, because I thought I was smarter than time, smarter than the one thing money can't buy.

Please get off drugs. This is not who you are.
Please stop smoking. I need you to walk me down the isle.
Please stop drinking. I need to know what a real male role model is like.

They have taken my unsaid words to the grave because time waits for no man. I could have changed a life, but I kept my mouth shut. I could have totally helped them dodge a funeral, but I didn't tell them.

If you love someone, tell them now.
If you love someone, tell them now.
If you LOVE someone, tell them NOW.