I'm tired.
A month doesn't seem like a long time, but it is.
I'm tired, and I'm out of breath.
I've been running. Running is the term Christians refuse to use -- We were "just going through some things" and "in a weird season" and "feeling out of it." Running. We run. I ran. Weird, for the church girl. Weird, for the girl who serves every week. She's always smiling...weird. But I ran.
See, a month doesn't seem like a long time, but when you're running away from your lifeline, more than a day is a long time.
The truth is, after running you realize the things that kept your feet moving forward, away from everything you’ve ever loved are nothing but smoke and mirrors — more temporaries in a world of temporaries.
Why did I run? I thought I was running because I was tired, but I was only tired because I ran so long without realizing I was running (in a weird season, you know?). I was afraid. Am. I am afraid. Afraid of failure. Afraid of the future. Afraid to let down my Father. So I ran.
Why do any of us run? Life disappoints us. People break our hearts. The future seems too big. Life seems too busy. We get used to God. Whatever it is, we run.
Now I'm just tired. And far off. But His patience with me is amazing. Every step back toward God, I have stumbled. But not unlike the prodigal son, I was welcomed with a run back, an embrace.
The truth is, He brought me to the end of myself so I could rediscover the vastness of Him.
I spent a nasty amount of time getting before God and doing the Christian thing... "Lord, if there is anything in me that offends you..." and while I think that's beyond important, often that's the what we use to cushion the fear of coming home after running. We all know, deep down, that if we treated people the way we treated God, they would never speak to us.
And we forget that God is not intimidated by our stuff. He's just waiting for us to turn on our heels and realize we've never stopped being His kids.
Rabbit trail. Anyway.
I did the Christian thing, then when that didn't work I asked God to heal my heart. Nothing. "Lord I just wanna feel you. Like I wanna see you." Nothing.
Then, out of the silence, I heard a whisper in my heart.
"Stop asking me to heal your heart and learn to come to Me with your heart broken."
Ouch.
So here is my confession of a prodigal daughter, after running.
All You wanted was a broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart, and here it is. What I did was push You away. I pushed you so far away because I DON'T KNOW that's what I do. But it was so far that it did nothing hurt me and it hurt You. There's a part of me that want's to ask if we can work toward becoming Father and daughter again, but that is such prodigal thinking because You’re already running to Me. I think You were just waiting for me to come to You at my worst so I could learn that I can. Motions were never enough for You... You want my heart, broken as it may be. I missed You.
My chest hurts. My heart hurts. I can't tell if it's undealt hurt or I'm just short of breath. My head hurts thinking about how much I feel like I have to earn Your love, and pounds a little more out of confusion every time you tell me that I don't have to earn Your love. I tell You I know too much about myself to think I could receive that love. You tell me Your love surpasses all the things I know. Pound. Pound.
I’m sorry that I took my heartbreak on life out on You. I’m sorry that I pulled myself from You when You should have been My source of comfort, because You always are. But Your patience amazes me constantly as I wander away from you yet no matter how far I’ve been you wait for the moment that I turn back so you know when to start running to me.
I don’t know how people are so afraid of You, so terrified of You. They must not know You. They must have some vague idea of who You are based on the little they've heard. But You are more than that. You’re a real loving Father.
Now being back, I realize there's nothing I want more than to always have my head on Your chest.
You waited for me. You waited for me for what may have seemed like forever for you. I know because it seemed like forever for me to be away from the one I love. It may not seem like a long time to some, but to me, without you, that was forever.
Just seconds away from giving up, You give me your words. Oh my heart could jump for joy inside my chest. I have no idea what else to say except you make a prodigal daughter feel right at home. Every time.