Confessions of a Prodigal: After Running

Warning. This is raw.

I'm tired.

A month doesn't seem like a long time, but it is.

I'm tired, and I'm out of breath.

I've been running. Running is the term Christians refuse to use -- We were "just going through some things" and "in a weird season" and "feeling out of it." Running. We run. I ran. Weird, for the church girl. Weird, for the girl who serves every week. She's always smiling...weird. But I ran.

See, a month doesn't seem like a long time, but when you're running away from your lifeline, more than a day is a long time.

The truth is, after running you realize the things that kept your feet moving forward, away from everything you’ve ever loved are nothing but smoke and mirrors — more temporaries in a world of temporaries. 

Why did I run? I thought I was running because I was tired, but I was only tired because I ran so long without realizing I was running (in a weird season, you know?). I was afraid. Am. I am afraid. Afraid of failure. Afraid of the future. Afraid to let down my Father. So I ran.

Why do any of us run? Life disappoints us. People break our hearts. The future seems too big. Life seems too busy. We get used to God. Whatever it is, we run. 

Now I'm just tired. And far off. But His patience with me is amazing. Every step back toward God, I have stumbled. But not unlike the prodigal son, I was welcomed with a run back, an embrace. 

The truth is, He brought me to the end of myself so I could rediscover the vastness of Him.

I spent a nasty amount of time getting before God and doing the Christian thing... "Lord, if there is anything in me that offends you..." and while I think that's beyond important, often that's the what we use to cushion the fear of coming home after running. We all know, deep down, that if we treated people the way we treated God, they would never speak to us.

And we forget that God is not intimidated by our stuff. He's just waiting for us to turn on our heels and realize we've never stopped being His kids.

Rabbit trail. Anyway.

I did the Christian thing, then when that didn't work I asked God to heal my heart. Nothing. "Lord I just wanna feel you. Like I wanna see you." Nothing.

Then, out of the silence, I heard a whisper in my heart.

"Stop asking me to heal your heart and learn to come to Me with your heart broken."

Ouch.

So here is my confession of a prodigal daughter, after running.

All You wanted was a broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart, and here it is. What I did was push You away. I pushed you so far away because I DON'T KNOW that's what I do. But it was so far that it did nothing hurt me and it hurt You. There's a part of me that want's to ask if we can work toward becoming Father and daughter again, but that is such prodigal thinking because You’re already running to Me. I think You were just waiting for me to come to You at my worst so I could learn that I can. Motions were never enough for You... You want my heart, broken as it may be. I missed You.

My chest hurts. My heart hurts. I can't tell if it's undealt hurt or I'm just short of breath. My head hurts thinking about how much I feel like I have to earn Your love, and pounds a little more out of confusion every time you tell me that I don't have to earn Your love. I tell You I know too much about myself to think I could receive that love. You tell me Your love surpasses all the things I know. Pound. Pound.

I’m sorry that I took my heartbreak on life out on You. I’m sorry that I pulled myself from You when You should have been My source of comfort, because You always are. But Your patience amazes me constantly as I wander away from you yet no matter how far I’ve been you wait for the moment that I turn back so you know when to start running to me. 

I don’t know how people are so afraid of You, so terrified of You. They must not know You. They must have some vague idea of who You are based on the little they've heard. But You are more than that. You’re a real loving Father. 

Now being back, I realize there's nothing I want more than to always have my head on Your chest. 

You waited for me. You waited for me for what may have seemed like forever for you. I know because it seemed like forever for me to be away from the one I love. It may not seem like a long time to some, but to me, without you, that was forever. 

Just seconds away from giving up, You give me your words. Oh my heart could jump for joy inside my chest. I have no idea what else to say except you make a prodigal daughter feel right at home. Every time. 

Why I'm Not Supposed To Do Anything

Hey all!
All my posts have to do with reflecting some Biblical truth and while it may not seem like it, this is one of those posts, as well. I want to talk about something that has been haunting me for longer than I would like to remember. 

I am not supposed to do anything.
Let me start by saying that I am not implying that I am supposed to do nothing. But I'm not "supposed" to do anything. 
I am not supposed to do anything. 

Here's some background information before I lose you:
I was born with a rebel heart. I don't mean "gas station St. Jimmy" kind of rebel that people are afraid of. But I've always been free, always been different. And that's okay with me. I've always liked the things that people never found pleasing and done the things that were 5 miles east of the nearest comfort zone.

So the things that you're supposed to do and that I am supposed to do are going to look very different. You can imagine how weird it was for me to begin to hear that I was or wasn't supposed to be doing things.

When I was 12 I started telling people that I wanted to write books for a living. But I was supposed to be a doctor or lawyer. When I decided that instead I wanted to be a neuropsychologist, I was supposed to find something a little more in my reach. 

When I was 16 I decided to drop out of high school and get a diploma equivalent, I was told that it wasn't supposed  to be done that way.

When I was 18 I shaved half my head because I wanted my hair to match my different personality, but I was told that I was supposed to grow it back immediately because it isn't ladylike. This happened again when I was 20 and got a pixie cut. Women were supposed to have long, thick hair because girls with short hair are damaged. 

When I would shop in the men's section of Forever 21 because I like baggy flannels, I was told I wasn't supposed to be a tomboy. Men don't like that. 

When I turned 21 I got my arm tattooed wrist to shoulder. I wasn't supposed to do that, though, because people would judge me, as if the people who said this weren't oozing judgement already.  

When I wear all black and have a giant afro, which is all the time, I'm supposed to try to look more appropriate because I am supposed to be looking for a husband. 

Even after giving my life to Jesus I felt it so hard to find freedom because I thought that what I needed was to be free from myself, who I've always been by nature. When the world is so loud about what I’m supposed to do, when I’m supposed to do it, and how I’m supposed to do it, sometimes I forget who I actually am.

And to be honest, I’ve always preferred lumpy, misshapen cookies to cookie-cutter ones. And I think that we are so used to saying, "We don't want to be cookie-cutter Christians!" like robots, we have no idea that we're expecting people to be cookie-cutter people. 

But even when I forget who I am in the midst of what I’m “supposed to do”  Jesus is always so good at reminding me.

Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you. 

Before you were born, I set you apart for my holy purpose.

Jeremiah 1:5

I think if Jesus wanted people to be exactly the same, and think exactly the same, and do things the exact same way, he wouldn’t have made distinct fingerprints.

So, I am so, so sorry. But I'm not a big fan of what I am supposed to do unless it’s from Jesus.

I think breakfast foods should always be eaten after 6 PM

I think the way Jesus loves us is absolute, unexplainable nonsense

I think that sandwiches taste better when they are cut diagonally instead of down the middle

I think my car is better messy

I think my hair is better frizzy

I think I look way better always wearing black

I think I would prefer that a boy falls in love with me based on how much I love Jesus

I think crossing my legs makes me look as uncomfortable as I feel

I think telling a story properly and doing brain surgery are equally difficult

I think it is by the grace of God I am what I am even if it’s not perfect

I think if I had to choose between being myself and being a lady, I would choose myself

And while I think I’m childish and childlike, I know I’m not immature. I know that I have so much to learn, too much to learn to say that there is a right way to do anything.

I know the people who tell me these things aren't trying to hurt me in any way. They're people, and they are doing their best. 

They want me to be ready, but truthfully ready has never been my agenda. I think ready is for people who want to live small lives. 

I never want to be ready for anything. I am prepared, though. I have Jesus. Because of that, I am prepared to face anything that I was never ready for. And because of that I am under absolutely no obligation to be ready for anything. To be ready for something means that you’re perfect in it. I’m covered in tattoos head to toe and I would wear combat boots to my own wedding. I hardly think that’s considered a perfect personality.

My heart is way too big for ready and supposed to. There is too much trouble to get myself into and too much adventure for God to lead me into to waste my time being ready. I'd rather just be available, just as I am.

I am not saying that I don't want to do things the right way. I just want to do things God's way for me, which, by His grace, is going to look so different from yours. And that's the beauty of it. 

So if you see me at my wedding with combat boots, just smile and be happy for me. And if I see you doing things the way you've always known, I'll smile and be happy for you. And if we see someone doing things in a way we've never imagined, we can smile and be happy for them.

And Jesus will be happy with all of us.

God bless you all! Love you all more than you know. 

Giving God The Platform

Why, hello, first page of 2015! In March. How sad. 
I have great news though! God has been teaching me so much in these past few months and I finally feel like I'm able to share my heart.  

People who follow Jesus sometimes expect that their life will suddenly come together and fix itself, only to find that they are more attacked than ever. The reality is that once we've accepted Jesus into our lives, we have the power, the authority, and the potential passion to populate Heaven and plunder hell. And we get attacked because, as one pastor has put it, we're on "hell's most wanted list."

This past weekend, my pastor, Ps Anthony Fleming, mentioned something very similar - that it's just an attack, and we need to PUSH through it! (Most incredible sermon! You can watch it here).

"In this world you will have tribulation; 

but take heart! For I have overcome the world."

John 16:33

In the past few months, I feel like I have been growing and learning and hearing from God like never before, but I also feel like I've been walking through hell myself. And I could sit here and convince you that as soon as you start living out the plans God has called you to do on this planet, everything will fall into place, but I would be lying, and the word of God proves it.

In this world, you will have tribulation. No more. No less. Jesus doesn't specify what kind of tribulation, so we know it could be any situation (how many colors exist and how many times can you count to infinity?). You will have tribulation, whether you like it or not. But hey! Good news, He has overcome the world! So we're good! (Bow your heads and close your eyes.) So we have this good news about Jesus! He has already overcome the world and we needn't worry about the tribulations, the one's that hurt like hell -- oh yeah but they're still coming! So ... I don't know... duck for cover I guess? What do we do about them? Jesus has overcome the world, but I still have to deal with this pain I've been harboring, I still have a funeral to plan, I still have to pay off this credit card...

If you're anything like me, (imperfect is the word) there's a lot of finger snapping and "Now what, Jesus???"

We go through struggles in family, we go through breakups and financial struggles. We get hurt from others when all we've ever wanted to do was love others. And at times, once we're at our lowest, we feel like something else comes up and we get kicked where we are already bruised.

Sometimes, the situations aren't as simple as a small tit-for-tat family argument between siblings. Sometimes life is just unfair: we lose people we love, feel truly alone, and even go through depression. We swore off the victim mentality, yet someone makes us a victim of a situation and we feel ashamed. I can't be the only one relating to this. 

So basically, life, as we know it, happens.

We think for hours, weeks, months about what to do about the situations we cannot control. We have ridiculous emotional breakdowns, and even yell at God, asking Him what the heck we're meant to do, but it's actually very simple: 

Just give God the platform.

In this world you will have tribulation. This tribulation is obviously not from God. Your Father in heaven is the lifter of your head, not the kicker of your ribs. The Lord is never tempted to do wrong. But here's what you can do, regardless of where your situation came from: you can pick up the ball from the devil's game and put it in God's court. 

That simple... choice is yours. Devil started it. God will finish it. Just give God the platform to make something good come out of something disastrous. Because He can, and He will.

In Matthew 9, Jesus finally gets back into His own city of Capernaum after getting kicked out of Gadarenes for sending demons into a herd of swine and setting two people free (a simple thank you would have sufficed, but to each their own). Once He enters the city, He's quickly asked to do a miracle for a man who was not able to walk:

Verse 2 says, "And they brought to Him a paralytic lying on a bed. Seeing their faith, Jesus said to the paralytic, 'Take courage, son...'"

Here we have the problem and the answer in one Bible verse.

This poor man, this poor paralytic was playing on devil's court with his hands tied -- he was sick and there was nothing he could do about it. So what did they do? They literally brought God the platform. Then Jesus saw their faith. I find this so awesome, because this gives me the courage that when I'm going through hell and it takes EVERY ounce of faith I have to get on my knees before God, the first thing Jesus sees is my faith. Far out, Jesus.

What were the first words Jesus said to him? "Take courage."

"I'm here."
"It's gonna be okay."
"I've got you now."
"Take courage."

None of this would have happened had they not brought God the platform to do something about what they knew they couldn't change.

Sometimes we just expect God to fix circumstances in our lives, all while entertaining those thoughts and giving them life without consulting God about situations we can't change or understand -- AKA while the ball is in the enemy's court, we're playing his game.

Oh, if only we realized the truth about how much God can change, instead of letting the enemy use our emotions like catnip to our destruction.

When I got saved at about age 18 or so, one of the first lies I was fed from the devil was that I needed to consistently feel guilty about the life I lived. I needed to constantly feel awful and crappy that I was the only one of my friends able to escape the drug scene. I needed to know every moment of the day that the loss of a great friend was my fault because I knew of his addiction and said nothing. Day in and day out, I was reminded of a lie that it should have been him and not me who was living this life of walking in the presence of God. Another lie was that he had to die because I had avoided God for so long and that was the only way God could get my attention.

And man, the shame I felt, the guilt... it was unbearable. To try to put it into perspective, it was so incessant that I felt that at one point, suicide was the only option.

But then, God.

In one of the first moments I had ever heard God speak to my heart, this rebellious 18 year old punk was told by her Father in heaven that she was loved and valued. I felt Him telling me this:

"What happened was not your fault, but let me take this garbage-dump situation and make it beautiful for you." (Yes, garbage-dump.)

Can I tell you how purposed filled I have been ever since? How much I feel the purpose and hand of God when friends I would do drugs with ask me how church is going -- or even attend church! The Lord is a faithful Father and kept his promise to a teenage brat who deserved nothing from a perfect God.

Thank God He told me to give Him the platform, and thank God I listened.

Do you know He tells us to give Him the platform still?

"Cast your burden upon the Lord and He will sustain you;

He will never allow the righteous to be shaken."

Psalms 55:22

I remember over the summer I was going through a difficult time where I felt like the devil was bringing up my past: the names I've been called, the awful things that were spoken into my life, and trying to convince me that they were right. I am thankful that God had been so faithful to me before that because almost like a reflex, I turned to the word of God and let Psalm 139 tell me completely different. I was able to find out the real truth -- that the devil was trying to throw me off target by convincing me that I was something I wasn't. Something that could have held me back for years was just a season, one month, because I gave God the platform.

Then, just this past week, I was driving home from school and was suddenly, out of left field, reminded of a memory that I had put away, like really put away on a psychological level. It was scary and painful and upon remembering, I remembered why I had pretended it didn't happen all these years. I was thankful I had forgotten it existed. And right before the freak out, I could feel God saying, "Remember that time in the summer? Give me the platform to make something beautiful come out of this." 

It's crazy how quickly anger and unforgiveness can turn to love and compassion and forgiveness and grace when you operate on a strength that is totally perfect like God's! How in a matter of seconds, I went from wanting revenge and to scream to wanting to pray for someone who mistreated me and hope that God would change their heart.

You can't stop what happens to you, you can't stop life -- but if God is in the center of it, you can do so much about the outcome.

"Many are the afflictions of the righteous,

But the Lord delivers them out of them all."

Psalms 34:19

I want to encourage you all, whoever you are and whatever is going on in your lives, to just bring whatever you're going through before God -- give Him the platform, not to change the situation only, but to change your heart despite the pain so that others will grow from your tough seasons, and to just be content in His love!

"No matter what season I'm in, I'm content because of Him. 

It's Him that gives me strength to be content in every situation. 

I'm not content because of something that happened, I'm content 

because of Him. He's why I'm content and He's where my 

confidence comes from."

Eric Johnson, Bethel Church