All my posts have to do with reflecting some Biblical truth and while it may not seem like it, this is one of those posts, as well. I want to talk about something that has been haunting me for longer than I would like to remember.
I am not supposed to do anything.
Let me start by saying that I am not implying that I am supposed to do nothing. But I'm not "supposed" to do anything.
I am not supposed to do anything.
Here's some background information before I lose you:
I was born with a rebel heart. I don't mean "gas station St. Jimmy" kind of rebel that people are afraid of. But I've always been free, always been different. And that's okay with me. I've always liked the things that people never found pleasing and done the things that were 5 miles east of the nearest comfort zone.
So the things that you're supposed to do and that I am supposed to do are going to look very different. You can imagine how weird it was for me to begin to hear that I was or wasn't supposed to be doing things.
When I was 12 I started telling people that I wanted to write books for a living. But I was supposed to be a doctor or lawyer. When I decided that instead I wanted to be a neuropsychologist, I was supposed to find something a little more in my reach.
When I was 16 I decided to drop out of high school and get a diploma equivalent, I was told that it wasn't supposed to be done that way.
When I was 18 I shaved half my head because I wanted my hair to match my different personality, but I was told that I was supposed to grow it back immediately because it isn't ladylike. This happened again when I was 20 and got a pixie cut. Women were supposed to have long, thick hair because girls with short hair are damaged.
When I would shop in the men's section of Forever 21 because I like baggy flannels, I was told I wasn't supposed to be a tomboy. Men don't like that.
When I turned 21 I got my arm tattooed wrist to shoulder. I wasn't supposed to do that, though, because people would judge me, as if the people who said this weren't oozing judgement already.
When I wear all black and have a giant afro, which is all the time, I'm supposed to try to look more appropriate because I am supposed to be looking for a husband.
Even after giving my life to Jesus I felt it so hard to find freedom because I thought that what I needed was to be free from myself, who I've always been by nature. When the world is so loud about what I’m supposed to do, when I’m supposed to do it, and how I’m supposed to do it, sometimes I forget who I actually am.
And to be honest, I’ve always preferred lumpy, misshapen cookies
to cookie-cutter ones. And I think that we are so used to saying, "We don't want to be cookie-cutter Christians!" like robots, we have no idea that we're expecting people to be cookie-cutter people.
But even when I forget who I am in the midst of what I’m
“supposed to do” Jesus is always so good
at reminding me.
Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you.
Before you were born, I set you apart for my holy purpose.
Jeremiah 1:5
I think if Jesus wanted people to be exactly the same, and
think exactly the same, and do things the exact same way, he wouldn’t have made distinct fingerprints.
So, I am so, so sorry. But I'm not a big fan of what I am supposed to do unless it’s
from Jesus.
I think breakfast foods should always be eaten after 6 PM
I think the way Jesus loves us is absolute, unexplainable nonsense
I think that sandwiches taste better when they are cut
diagonally instead of down the middle
I think my car is better messy
I think my hair is better frizzy
I think I look way better always wearing black
I think I would prefer that a boy falls in love with me based on how much I love Jesus
I think crossing my legs makes me look as uncomfortable as I feel
I think telling a story properly and doing brain surgery are
equally difficult
I think it is by the grace of God I am what I am even if
it’s not perfect
I think if I had to choose between being myself and being a lady, I would choose myself
And while I think I’m childish and childlike, I know I’m not immature. I know that I have so
much to learn, too much to learn to say that there is a right way to do
anything.
I know the people who tell me these things aren't trying to hurt me in any way. They're people, and they are doing their best.
They want me to be ready, but truthfully ready has never
been my agenda. I think ready is for people who want to live small lives.
I never want to be ready for anything. I am
prepared, though. I have Jesus. Because of that, I am prepared to face anything
that I was never ready for. And because of that I am under absolutely no
obligation to be ready for anything. To
be ready for something means that you’re perfect in it. I’m covered in tattoos head to toe and I
would wear combat boots to my own wedding. I hardly think that’s considered a
perfect personality.
I am not saying that I don't want to do things the right way. I just want to do things God's way for me, which, by His grace, is going to look so different from yours. And that's the beauty of it.
So if you see me at my wedding with combat boots, just smile and be happy for me. And if I see you doing things the way you've always known, I'll smile and be happy for you. And if we see someone doing things in a way we've never imagined, we can smile and be happy for them.
And Jesus will be happy with all of us.
God bless you all! Love you all more than you know.