We have been beaten, but we have not been killed.

Since I've been back from China, I've been so hungry (not for food, though. China's ruined that for me.) but for knowledge. I came back with an eagerness to learn, but almost held myself back. I know that the more I learn, the angrier the enemy gets. The more I want to apply what I've learned, the enemy tries to blindside me. I had to force myself to look past what bad I knew would inevitably come so that the good could shine through. There needed to be some rough, broken times so that the light could shine through the cracks.

I started to read 2 Corinthians and something stuck out at me. A few different times, Paul rambles: he often mentions the struggle but hope that he wanted people to be inspired by. For some reason when I read chapter 6, verses 4-10, something stuck out at me. It's a bit long, bear with me. 

"In everything we do, we show that we are true ministers of God. We patiently endure troubles and hardships and calamities of every kind. We have been beaten, have been put in prison, faced angry mobs, worked to exhaustion, endured sleepless nights, and have gone without food. We prove ourselves by our purity, our understanding, our patience, our kindness, by the Holy Spirit within us, and by our sincere love. We faithfully preach the truth. God's power is working in us. We use the weapons of righteousness in the right hand for attack and the left hand for defense. We serve God whether people honor us or despise us, whether they slander us or praise us. We are honest, but they call us impostors. We are ignored even though we are well known. We live close to death, but we are still alive. We have been beaten, but we have not been killed. Our hearts ache, but we always have joy. We are poor but we give spiritual riches to others. We own nothing, yet we have everything." - 2 Corinthians 6:4-10

I realized a few things, which I will share, but never felt that it was right to share it... until today. I read another verse that struck me, in a different book and I knew the two would go together. But first things first:

• If your display of being God's minister is a reflection of outward circumstances, you need to change something inside yourself. 

Something that I learned in China (struggled with, but still learned) was that you cannot allow your outward circumstances to reflect your inward attitude, because your inward attitude always comes out in your actions and creates a new outward circumstance. You live on Earth, people. We're not in heaven yet; things are bound to get flawed, people are bound to hate you, bad things are bound to just happen. But if we represent those temporary, outward circumstances, we're not representing God, who lives in our hearts. We can't just ignore Him-- or should I say, neglect our duty to represent Jesus-- just because life threw a curve ball at you. 

God is not to blame. He doesn't change, and we shouldn't change the way we represent Him.

In China, there were things swarming around in my head. There were so many things going on that I could have easily used as an excuse to not represent God properly-- good excuses, too, if I do say so myself. But had I let my outward, annoying, ugly, fist-clenching circumstances to overtake me, I wouldn't have portrayed, or at least tried to portray, God in a way that left people hungry. I'm glad I was able to look past everything that came in my way because I talked to people from all over the world about the love of God... Friends from England, Africa, Sweden and China! If I had let my emotions get to me, let the world get me down, or as I like to say, "human'd", those people would have never met Jesus on that day. 

But before I could do any of that, I had to change something on the inside. I had to constantly remind myself of my purpose, of my ministry, of the goal. Not just the heavenly goal we all try to reach; there is a tangible, earthly goal: getting people to see Jesus so they too can go for the heavenly goal. 

I had to check my motives for everything. There was a time I was jealous of my friend for how many people he or she was able to evangelize to, and so quickly. I kept thinking, "When is it my turn? When do I get to show people God?" and I'm not too sure if this is a God thing or just a Jackie thing, but immediately, I thought, "Not with that attitude." Like David, we're real people with real problems, so I dealt with it as he did, as the Bible taught me. "Create in me a clean heart..." (Psalm 51:10)

• You don't need a microphone to change someone's life. You need to be relatable. 

When I kept reading this over and over, I couldn't help but think about how many people Paul was now able to relate to: the hungry, the homeless, the abuse, the kicked down, the hated, the poor, the ignored. It's easy to sympathize with people, but something that makes Jesus for everyone is that He suffered what we suffer-- He knows. He can relate. He can't just say, "So sorry this happened. If I were you i would just ______ and hope it works."

I was talking to a friend who isn't in the greatest place right now and I told him, "I can't tell you why this is happening, but I can tell you that it will be over, you will make it out, and then you will be able to help a new set of people."

No, it's not fun to go through something. But if you can't relate, if you don't keep your head up during your struggle so you can pour out to someone else during theirs, then no microphone, no writing talent will help them. 

Side note - Your attitude during your struggle -- your loyalty to God, your faithfulness to Him, how you keep your head up, just your overall attitude-- is, in my opinion, equally proportioned to what people will learn from your struggle... and people are supposed to learn from your struggle. Nothing is wasted.

• You can't use your problems in life as an excuse to not be like Jesus. If you could, the only person with a good enough excuse to not be Jesus...is Jesus.

Things in life may hinder you, or throw you off course, but they cannot stop you without your consent. Do not let them stop you. 

I think about what Jesus went through. Cross aside, during His ministry He was harassed and tested DAILY. People looked at Him and talked to Him like he was insane. People who loved Him yesterday hated Him the next. Thinking of the crucifixion, He was beat to a pulp, spit on, cut open and exposed and naked. 

Though He was 100% God, He was 100% human too... and as humans we can agree that sucks.

Jesus had every excuse under the sun to not live like Jesus... but He did it anyway. He did it so the people He loved could be free. 

You can't live without problems. There is no growth there, though I do wish that was the case. I've spent more time praising God and trying to live like Jesus during storms than I have in perfect weather, but I'm also the strongest I have ever been in my life. 

I think to myself, I want to stay in bed. I lost my friend, my dad, and my grandpa in under two years. I lost a lot of friends because I don't party or smoke and drink anymore. I've suffered and have overcome/am trying to overcome addictions. I have every reason to stay in bed but I won't. I won't because someone needs to meet Jesus today. Someone needs encouragement today. Somebody needs love today. Jesus can strengthen me, and I have no excuse. He will give me the same strength that He used to get through what He went through--and for us.

• Knowing Jesus makes a difference

This is almost self explanatory for me; the sentences all contrast each other. We have been beaten, but we have not been killed. (YAY!) Our hearts ache, but we always have joy. (YAY!)

Knowing Jesus makes a huge difference in your life, whether you're struggling or kickin' back on vacation. The extra set of hands to fight with you, the extra wisdom coming in and more importantly, the joy in love we don't deserve to have poured out on us when we need it most.

There are two ways to stay joyful during trials: you can distract yourself and mask what's going on... or you can know Joy and know Him by name.

This leads me into the second part.

Knowing Jesus makes a difference because when we acknowledge Him, He lives in us.

"Greater is He who lives in me than he who lives in the world." - 1 John 4:4

This means a few things:

1. We are privileged. It is a privilege to know that Jesus wants to live in our hearts and help us with all of the things that we so badly want to use as excuses not to live right. What kind of King does that?
2. We are over-loved. Not smothered, but over-loved. Loved enough to replace parts of us taken out by the devil himself. Loved enough to fill the empty holes in us. Loved enough to replace insecurities. His perfect love, the love that casts out all fear, gets it right the first and every time.
3. We don't have a single thing to be afraid of. The man who stared death in the face and said, "Not today," lives in our hearts. The only thing in life that we thought was an absolute, that we thought was a definite was completely made a fool of thanks to Jesus and He gave us the power to do the same thing. There is not a single thing to be afraid of because we carry the spirit of the Lord. We carry freedom with us.
4. We need to share. God is a jealous lover and doesn't want to share you with death, but you can't be a jealous lover of Him. I used to put Him in a box, afraid that I would share my freedom with people and somehow lose it. I was wrong. I see myself getting set free daily -- as I share God with people, as I encourage people. Putting God in a box won't hinder God; He's God. He can show up. He doesn't need you. BUT it will hinder you and your spiritual growth. 

As God has been teaching me, I pray you're blessed by this. I'm not some expert theologian  but I am thankful you've read what's on my heart. Ya'll rock.